Grief of the wall

Today is the one year anniversary of my mom’s death.  I knew it was coming.  I’ve been anticipating it.  To tell you the truth, I’ve been dreading it.

All year long, I’ve seen other people post things about death anniversaries.  They are usually these beautiful tributes to people they’ve lost describing the deep impact of their lives and how much they miss them.  I read them.  I’m touched by them.  I usually cry over them.  I hurt for my friends who are grieving.

But to be honest, I secretly (well, not so secretly anymore) hate them.  They touch a deep scar that still hurts when poked; one that was created years ago causing a deep rift in my relationship with my mom.

There came a time in my late teens when my mom no longer wanted me to be a part of her life; I wasn’t welcome.  It was a horrible time in both of our lives filled with anger and deep hurt.  Over the next several years, there was some contact, but usually out of necessity not desire.  God worked in both of our lives and there was eventually forgiveness, but no real intimacy or closeness.  Over the last several years, we spoke more often and honestly, but there was always a barrier…a point where she said, ‘no further.’

Yes, I loved her and she loved me.  But as I’ve shared before, she had some of her own deep hurts and wounds.  Coupled with the painful circumstances between us, a wall was built that kept most everyone at bay.

So, a year after her death, I find myself wanting to be like other people who write those loving tributes; missing the presence of  the person lost, longing to have just one more conversation with them, and feeling the loss so deeply because they were so close.  But that’s not my reality.

My reality is once again mourning the loss of a dream.  A dream that one day there would be a closeness, an intimacy that I always longed for.  I had grown to accept the state of our relationship and was thankful that we were in each other’s lives, but I held onto hope that some day it would be different.  That glimmer of hope died a year ago today.

So I grieve.

I grieve that there was so much pain and hurt in our past.  I grieve that the wall stood strong and was not destroyed.  I grieve that we missed out on what could have been a beautiful relationship.

I know that one day I will see her again and there will be no pain, no mourning, no wall.  But for today, I grieve…