I Earned a Bravery Badge Today

I did something brave today. 

I almost immediately regretted it.

No, I didn’t go sky diving or bungee jumping.  I didn’t go NASCAR driving or tame a lion.  It was scarier than that…

I told a group of Christian ladies that I sometimes have doubts and questions about prayer.

I admitted that there are times when I just don’t understand why some prayers seem to work and others don’t.  Or why some people seem to be able to pray and see God working while others pray for years without any answer.  I admitted that I wasn’t sure if I could change God’s mind about a situation simply by praying.

As soon as I finished speaking, I wanted to take it all back.  Several of the ladies started sharing their own experiences with answered prayer and how it was Satan who was trying to discourage me from praying.  Others related scriptural events where God changed His mind because someone asked or where He invited believers to be a part of His plan by praying.  The woman next to me elbowed me and said, “see..”; smiling as if now all my doubts where washed away.

One thing was perfectly clear, I was in a room of women who had no doubts and who could give me all the answers I needed.  I could feel my face get red. (It does that when I feel shame)  I so wanted to defend myself.  I wanted to scream, “my doubts and questions don’t mean I don’t love God.  I’m just human. I have questions.  I have doubts.  I don’t have all the answers.”

Isn’t it interesting how expressing doubts and questions can be so uncomfortable in a room full of other Christians? 

I know these women didn’t mean to be hurtful or dismissive.  I believe their intentions were to encourage me.  But as I sat there, I felt small and ignorant.  Worse, I knew that I had done the same thing to other women before.

My knee jerk reaction to someone sharing doubts is a quick and easy answer.  Somehow if I can help them put aside their doubts, then I don’t have to deal with my own.  Or admit that I don’t have an answer.  And above all, I want to make sure I look like I’m a mature Christian woman who does indeed have all the answers to life’s difficult questions.

Of course, I don’t have all the answers and pretending I do is exhausting.  I struggle with doubts and questions.  Some days I know that if I prayed for the mountain to move, it would.  Other days, I’m not so sure.  And I’m mostly okay with that.  So is God.  We’re working on it together.

So next week, I’m going to be brave again; showing up to bible study with all my questions in tow….